Victoria Evans' Series of Unexpected Events
by ilikecakeandcookies
Summary: Tori's life is a mess,and she's sick of it. When she's thrown into Middle-Earth, Tori's uselessness is unbelievable, she doesn't know anything about the Tolkien-verse (not hat she wants to), but the only thing she knows is that Bilbo Baggins is the cutest creature ever. Inspired by The Tall Tale of Aurora Jones by okidokifili and Supernatural Pools by BrazilianLOTRFan Bilbo/OC
1. Name's Evans, Tori Evans

Hello there, normal living creatures seated in your crouches and comfy chairs, and probably eating chocolate and skittles. My name is Victoria Bianca Evans, but to be completely honest, I HATE my name. You can call me Tori if you want, it's shorter and nicer anyway. And it sounds more, hmmm, how can I explain... More 'glamorous'. More than Bianca. Anything sounds more glamorous than Bianca.

My name is completely unoriginal, a simple Latin name which is the complete opposite of me, a random Italian name (my father is Italian), which I don't know from where my father took that idea and finally, Evans. One of the most common last names on USA.

Since my father is Italian, why don't I have a cool Italian last name? It's because, my father liked how my mother's last name sounded, so, I ended up with Evans instead of Arigliatto.

One of the many mysteries of my life, is the reason why my mother gave me the name Victoria, it is funny how extremely ironic it is because my name is supposed to mean 'victory' but I'm probably the unluckiest loser in Earth and beyond.

And when I say in Earth and beyond, I actually mean it.

Just like Ori would say, I'm over reacting a bit. Wait a moment, I'm going to talk about that later, hang on.

So, my series of unexpected events went on like this:

Two seconds! Before that, a quick description on how I was.

Ow, Tori, you're just too stupid! You already told them that you changed! Wasn't that supposed to be a surprise?

See? I have this little problem of arguing with myself, anyway, the description...  
>In my last day in Seattle, I had chin length curly ginger hair, with a blue lock, eyes that kept changing between blue and green and I was 18 years old. Oh, and I was 5,8 tall.<p>

Everyone here thinks I'm completely strange and weird and over reacting and loud and well, nothing good. Except a few people who had my trust knew the truth about me...

Tori! Again! You spoiled the story!

This arguing...It happens every now and then, maybe I'm slowly turning into Gollum.

AHHHH! You did it again!

Before the stupid and irrational part of my brain (the biggest part of it, anyway) continues to annoy me, I'll start to tell the COMPLETE story of how I ended up on this mess:

* * *

><p>"VICTORIA BIANCA EVANS, FOR THE LAST TIME, WAKE UP!" My father shouted with his Italian accent that was almost an exact copy of Mario's in Mario Bros, his name just happened to be Mario too. He entered my room and opened the window, revealing a bright sun light. I used to live in an apartment with my father and younger brother. And my mother? Yeah, she is doing volunteer work in Sierra Leone as a doctor, so, the last time that I saw her was a year ago. But I'm actually really proud of her, but i miss her more. Every now and then we talk via Skype.<p>

"AAAAAH! IT BURNS!" I screamed and pulled my blanket so it could cover my face. However, Dad had no mercy upon my innocent soul and pulled the blankets.

"Victoria, you know that you are already late to arrive early at school?" My father was very strict with school (actually, he was strict with everything) , he always made me wake up earlier to get to school at least 30 minutes before classes started.

"Whatever." I muttered and rubbed my eyes. Dad was staring at me when I finally opened my eyes. My father was scary, he was very tall and skinny and had a ginger mustache (that was getting white), which was really creepy. Oh, and he was bald.

"Hurry up, your mother wishes to speak to you." Father then left the room and left me alone. He apparently didn't care really much for me, he was only present in my life at the moments in which I got in trouble. And that happened a lot, because I'm quite rebel and hate everything and everyone almost all the time.

I looked at the clock and it was 6:40 a.m. And school starts at 8:00 a.m. _Great, I'm late to arrive early._ I walked to my wardrobe and picked up a pair of jeans and a simple flower blouse. I quickly changed clothes and went back to sleep. I always did that.

I woke up with a really loud BIP sound. I jumped up and looked at my alarm clock.

HOLY JESUS IT WAS 7:40!

I ran out of my bed, grabbed my backpack and raced to the kitchen. Probably my father will scream at me and I'll not have breakfast, which always happened when I woke up late for school. My father was seated in the end of the table with a laptop, looking at me with a disapproval face. My younger brother was eating waffles.

"Youw arew latew" Luigi, my younger brother said with his mouth full of waffles. from his chin I could see a little maple syrup streaming down. He looked so much like my mother, he had black hair and blue eyes. "I can't believew that youw still havew that bluew lock in yourew hairw." Everybody compained about my hair. Yay. I liked the blue thing, with it I didn't look so much like my father.

"Shut up, Luigi." I snapped. My 15 year old brother was extremely annoying and stupid.

"Anything you would like to say to your mother, Victoria?" Father turned the laptop screen to me and I faced the screen with my mother showing in it. I miss her. Like, very much. She was absent almost half of my life and she wasn't here in very important moments of my life, which only made my anger against my father grow.

"I have nothing to say, bye!" I ran to the door and opened it. I'm not in the mood to talk to my mother and to hear my father complaining about me to her. He always did that.

Basically, my life was a mess. My mom was never home, my father complained about everything, Luigi was impossible and I ate spaghetti every single day!

I just couldn't wait to finish High School and move out of this hospice.

"Come back here!" My father shouted. Nope, I'll not come back. Luckily, the elevator was just at the 10th floor, which happened to be the floor that I lived in.

I entered and quickly pressed the button that closed the elevator's door. I could see my father's red angered face before the door closed.

"Whew." I breathed out. It was really usual for me to fight with my father, specially when it involved school. When this fights happened, I usually went to my grandmother's house to seek refugee from my temperamental father. She seamed to be the only one who understood me.

I was halfway down the building when the elevator stopped. Ah, this is definitely not my day. Well, I never had a good day anyway.

"Nice way to start the day." I concluded. I looked for my iPhone inside my bag to send a message to my the emergency to tell them that I was stuck in the elevator, but suddenly everything started spinning and my vision went black.

"My lady? Are you alright?" I heard somebody say.

I woke up and faced a very old tall guy wearing grey robes and a pointy hat. Dumbledore maybe forgot to send my letter when I was 11.

"What the hell and I doing at Hogwarts?" I asked while I got up. "Am I a witch?"

"This is not Hogwarts, we're in the Shire. And you are not a witch, apparently." What on earth is the Shire? So I'm not in Hogwarts then? I really wanted to do an Avada Kedavra in a lot of people.

I looked around and realized that I've just landed on a wicked dream in the Middle Ages.

_Yeah, today is not my day._

**So, this is the prologue, hope you liked! That was actually my first attempt to write a fic, I got the inspiration of the inumerous fics I have been reading in this site.  
>Reviews are loved and constructed criticism is appreciated!<strong>


	2. I ain't no hobbit!

**Hi! I would like to thank you guys for following, favouriting and reviewing! Thank you so much!**

**I own nothing!**

**Enjoy another awkward and unexpected chapter in Tori's life.**

Yeah, yeah, I've landed in lala land, finally. On the _road_ to lala land, to be more precise. It was a road with no asphalt, and I could see a bridge and some cute looking houses that reminded me of the Teletubies' houses.

"Where on the bloody Earth is this 'Shire' thingy?" I asked the grey man while I tried to clean the dirt from my clothes, luckily, I'm still with my school bag, which means that I still have my iPhone.

The grey dude. He was too damn tall, I wonder if he is a retired basketball player. I know that I can't go around asking stuff to random strangers, but this was different, for five main reasons:

1- It's getting late, the sun is beginning to set, and I don't like to walk alone at night. There could be mean people around.

2- I don't know where the hell I am.

3- I am sorta dizzy, or maybe I'm freaking high as a kite.

4- I freaking missed the day at school (not that bad though, but if Father finds out…all I can say is that my head will roll).

5- I'm hungry. I didn't have any breakfast.

"At the West part of Middle-Earth. What are you doing at this time alone, my dear hobbit lass?" The grey guy answered after he took a deep pull of the pipe he was holding and took a good look at me. It's just Earth! WAIT A MINUTE HERE… what? The guy just called me hobbit lass? What on the bloody EARTH is a hobbit? I got my phone to check what that was on Google, but there's NO SERVICE HERE!

"Dude, sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about, I'm not a hobbit. Maybe the weed you're smoking got to your brain or something." I answered. I looked down and discovered that I was barefoot. My feet were A LOT bigger and there was some ginger hair on them. Ew, ew, ew. What the fuck just happened to me?

"Would you mind if I were to ask your name?" Not-Dumbledore asked while he stared at my blue lock and my phone.

"No, I won't tell my name to random strangers. I'm a little too smart for that, if you excuse moi, I'll go back to my house and try not to get killed by my father." I said, beginning to walk away on the direction of the cute little houses.

"By any chance your name happens to be Victoria Bianca Evans?"

I froze. Is the guy a telepath?

"Noooope… My name is Whitney Houston. I don't know who Victoria Evans is." I answered. I'm actually a fan of Whitney, and every time I listen to the song 'I Will Always Love You' I cry like a little baby, because that song reminds me of my mother and the days I needed her and she wasn't there for me, but I knew that she did always loved me.

"I know it's you, that blue part in your hair is unmistakable. I've been quite interested in you for some time, Miss. Evans, you see, I'm looking for someone to share an adventure as the 15th member of a Company, and you might be the perfect one for this quest." He had a twinkle in his eyes, which totally made me freak out.

"Are you from a spy agency? Cuz I'm getting a little freaked out right now, it's better to go back to my house. Do you know in what direction Seattle is?"

"For now what is essential for you is to know is that you're in Middle-Earth, and you look just like the folk that lives here." Before I could say anything, he cut me off. "You'll have your explanations later, Miss Evans, I think it's better if you were to follow me."

What the heck do he means by: You look just like the folk that lives here?

"No-no and NO, I won't follow you blindly into the blue! I'm not that stupid, and I don't want any adventures! If you are looking for someone to be a stupid adventurer, you can go to Seattle and hire either my mother or Luigi! I will call the police!" Oh crap, there's no service.

"You have come here for a reason, Victoria. If you please follow me, everything will be explained in no time." I bit my lip when I heard my name. I don't really mind on the Miss Evans thing, but calling me Victoria just makes me want to murder people. "And I have a feeling that you will get along well with our host, you have the same mind."

"Host? Where are we going? This is too damn confusing. First, I land in this place, then you appear and start talking in riddles, and after that, you want to drag me to a party? Ah please!" I complained nudging my back pack back on my back and starting to walk to the opposite direction of the cute houses.

"My name is Gandalf, maybe you have heard of me."

"Gandalf? Nah, I don't know your name, only know Ganondorf, the bad dude of the Legend of Zelda games." I stopped walking and turned around. I know that name, I've heard it before, not that I care.

"Miss Evans, I'm being extremely patient with you, will you please follow me?" Ganondalf said. Nope, nope and nope, not gonna follow this creepy telepath dude. He knows your name, Tori! And he says that there'll be an adventure! You've always wanted to go on an adventure!

NOOO!

Tori!

"FINE." I replied. What options do I have? I'm definitely not in the USA, maybe in some country in Europe or Asia.

"Good. This quest will be very good for you." Grey-man said, starting to walk to the direction of the cute houses. Like, really fast, despite having a walking stick (or staff). I had to sprint to get to him.

There are a bazillion things on my head, I can't process the information that quickly, so I'm lost. The old guy is taking me to the little Teletubie house on top of the highest hill.

"We're almost there, Miss. Evans." Gandalf said at some point of the road. There was some tall grass here and there, the only thing I wanted was that a wild Pikachu appeared and give Gandalf a Thunder Shock.

"Old guy, call me Tori." I said. I was getting pretty annoyed by him. I just hope that I won't regret this.

But I will.

SHUT UP, TORI! DON'T SCREW UP THE STORY!

*facepalms*

"As you wish, Miss. Tori."

After half an hour of silent walking, we finally got to the front gate door of the little house. It had a big green round door with a knob right in the middle. I've already seen this somewhere...

Gandalf stared at the door for some minutes after making his staff glow for us to be able to see at least 2 m away, cuz it was already dark, and there are no street lights nearby.

"And? Aren't we entering the place?"

"We have company, Miss Tori. We should enter together." What the heck? I looked around in all directions and there's nobody nearby. But, I was wrong.

"Mr. Gandalf!" Someone popped up from nowhere and landed right beside me. 'I didn't know that there would be a pretty maiden joining us in our merry little party!" I looked at the being (finally someone my height), and was an apparently old guy (not as old as Ganny bro), with some FANTASTECHICS braids in his silvery hair and beard. Beside him was another guy, a bit younger, with brown hair and three braids in his beard. He totally looked like a star.

"What a finding, eh, Gandalf?" The star-man said while he took a good look at me. Ha, ha, ha, I'm not that pretty, I must say, but if you want to know exactly how I'm like, just watch the movie The Village and look carefully at the blind red-haired girl. Yeah, I'm almost an exact copy of her, the only difference is that I have a blue lock.

"Hey, let's make something clear here: I just agreed to come with this dude here because I'm lost and it's getting late, I don't know him, I don't know you (not that I want to), and that is a very impolite thing to say to a girl." I snapped. I hate the days that nothing goes right, and this just happens to be the worst by far.

"She's right, Nori. Behave yourself!" The silvery guy slapped the back of the star-man, whose name I'm guessing that is Nori.  
>We're probably in some foreign country in East Europe, cuz seriously, who the hell would name a child 'Nori'?<p>

"Excuse me, Miss, but why is your hair blue? It's odd!" A different voice asked me. I looked at the direction of the voice and discovered that it was another guy, a lot younger than star-dude and Mr. Silver-Fabulous, he had a weird hair cut and some braids along his beard.

"Look who's asking. I dyed a lock of my hair blue, so what?" I replied bitterly.

"Sorry about that, Ori, she is having a tough day." Gandalf explained.

"I'll show you who's gonna have a tough day!" I muttered under my breath.

"But your talking is odd for a hobbit!" The young guy insisted.

The hobbit talk again. Why is everyone saying that I'm a freaking hobbit? Does it have something to do with my huge feet? The folk here are hobbits? Those guys don't have the weird big hairy feet.

I facepalmed.

"Why are you hitting yourself? I'm sorry if I have offended you, Miss!"

"Forgive them, m'lady. Nori and Ori are my younger brothers, I'm sorry if they have caused you embarrassment." The Silver-fabulous man apologized. Now that I'm taking a look at the three siblings, they look alike. Not too much, though, I would say the same amount of alikeness that I share with Luigi. "Should we start again? My name is Dori."

Dori is the little blue fish's name in Finding Nemo. No I won't dare to say that.

"Erm, my name is Victoria. Bianca. Evans." I paused between the names. "But you can call me Tori if you want, I prefer Tori anyway."

"At your service, Miss Tori." The three said in unison and bowed.

"Just call me Tori. No 'Miss Tori' thing okay? Shall we enter the merry little party? I'm very hungry."

"That will be good." Gandalf finally said something. If I'm entering the 'merry little party' with people like those guys, I'm gonna go nuts.

And you did go nuts.

SHUT UP!

"Look who's here! If it isn't the Gandalf the Grey!" An unknown voice called out. It had a very strange accent, Irish maybe.

Oooh, now I understand the name of the guy. He's name is Gandalf and he is wearing grey clothes! I'm feeling super smart now.

"Oh, goodnight, Bofur, I see that you have brought your brother and cousin." Gandalf said turning to the direction of the voice. I followed his gaze to meet three figures that will always have a place in my Weirdo's Photo Book.

#weird

The owner of the Irish accent had a mustache and a flappy hat with pigtail braids in his dark hair.

Beside him there was a dude that was so fat that if he jumped up and down, an earthquake would be formed. Oh, and he had ginger hair just like me, but his beard was braided from one side to the other, which reminded me of a doughnut.

#gingersunite

The last one was a guy with a Cruella De Vil's style beard and he-WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? Is that a piece of metal sticking out of his forehead? This isn't normal.

"Da fuck?" I breathed out.

" #$%$ ¨&** # $&* **%#¨%& #$%!" The Cruella dude said. Of course, I didn't understand a word (haha). Maybe it's a new form of Russian mixed with Arabic and Japanese.

"You are quite right, Bifur." Gandalf said. The other guys nodded and chucked.

"Okay, what's the joke?" I laughed sarcastically.

"He says that he had never seen someone with blue hair." The flappy hat dude translated. "Neither had I."

"Ha. Fine, but in what on the bloody universe is that language that he speaks?" I asked.

"It's Khuzdul." Dori explained. "The language of the dwarves."

Dwarves?

"What?" I asked. "D-dwarves? Are you dwarves?"

"Yes." They replied.

Okay. So basically my mental image of a dwarf was a very short guy that dug out diamonds and helped random princesses in forests.

"Alright then... Shall we play introductions?" I suggested.

"Bofur" flappy hat dude said.

"Bombur" ginger doughnut said.

"$%* #$ % Bifur %$ $" Yeah, the only word that I understood was 'Bifur'. That was Cruella De Vil dude's name, apparently.

"I'm Victoria Evans, preferably called Tori, if you don't mind."

Before they could comment, two more 'dwarves' popped up.

"Good evening!" A dude with bright auburn hair and bushy beard said. Beside him, there was another guy, but he had grey hair and beard and a _very _stylish mustache. Oh, and he had a thingy that appeared to be an ear horn. I was beginning to think that the dwarves were endless.

"Hello, Oin and Gloin!" Gandalf greeted the pair of dwarves. Yay, the names all rhymed. Isn't it delightful?

"I'm gonna enter the house, or I'm dying of hunger!" I said, opening the wooden gate of the house and climbing the steps to the round green door.

"Who is that?" The bushy auburn guy asked. By that time, I was already at the door and simply knocked on it.

"That one is Tori." Flappy hair dude said in his strange accent.

"Why is a part of her hair blue?" The ear horn guy asked.

Why is everyone asking that?

I could hear someone angry screaming inside the Teletubie house. I think someone there is PMS-ing.

For some unknown reason, all of the dwarves started to push each other in order to get to the door first. I decided to step aside in the right moment when all of them got to door and it opened.

I wanted to laugh so badly at those poor souls that fell on the floor. But what really surprised me was the guy that opened the door.

He was my height, apparently not much older than me and had perfect sandy brown curls framing his face. Basically, he was really cute. He was barefoot and he had the same awkward feet that I had.

"Gandalf" The cute guy breathed out. Then he finally noticed me.

"Miss. Evans, this is Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo Baggins, this is Miss. Victoria Evans." Gandalf introduced.

"Nice to meet you, however this is not a quite good time to get acquainted." Bilbo said, looking at the pile of dwarves.

_Finally someone that isn't nuts._

I was so distracted by Bilbo that I completely forgot about how awkward the situation was getting.

**So I turned Tori into a hobbit. She has those hairy big feet and stuff, oh, and she shrunk. Her hair was already curly, so there was no need of changing that. I hope you liked it!**

**Feel free to click the little box bellow and leave a review. It inspires me a lot! Thank you for reading!**


	3. I'm not proud to have a sailor's mouth

**I'm sorry for taking a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong while to update, but here's another chapter in Tori's life: Enjoy**

**I own nothing.**

After all of the dudes that fell down and almost had their spines broken finally got out of the doorstep, I could make my way to the cute fellow's house. And of course, I tried my best to be careful with the stuff on the floor, because as I mentioned sometime, my shoes disappeared and my feet are strange.

To my surprise, there were even MORE 'dwarves' inside the house. Hell, I'm going insane. Maybe I'm high. Not maybe, I AM FREAKING HIGH AS A FREAKING KITE.

The house was cute. It was made inside the hill, maybe? I don't know (not that I care), but there was a fine smell coming from inside. Hmm…roasted chicken, I guess?

Well, I'm not staying at the doorstep any longer, I'm gonna hunt down the food and I'll eat it.

As I started to head down the hallway (which I thought would lead to the kitchen/dining room/pantry/whatever the people in this Madland call the place where they stock food), I met two younger 'dwarves' I didn't see before, carrying four wooden mugs of some brown liquid. Alcohol, obviously. And I'm guessing it's a very strong one, because I can smell it from here.

One of them was dark haired and the other was blond. Both of them had almost no beard, except the blond one had a braided mustache. They stared at me with their eyes widened and mouths opened.

"What?" I snapped, almost taking off my backpack and throwing my Calculus book on their heads and after beat the crap out of them with my History textbook. "Let me ask again: What the fuck is wrong with you weird guys?"

"The lady has a sailor's mouth! But I prefer to think that she meant 'how are you, handsome young dwarves!'" The dark haired one stated, still trying hard not to laugh. Okay, I might have a sailor's mouth, but just picture the situation I'm in! Bloody man who try to flirt with me and just happen to be 'dwarves'! Stuff can't get weirder.

It always can, Tori.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"Take whatever conclusions you like." I replied, trying to get past the two weirdos. But they simply blocked my way with their bodies. Since the corridor wasn't very wide, I couldn't get past them unless I did a ninja move and kicked their balls and ran as fast as I could to the end of Madland. But I'm not a jerk to random guys I just met in a house of a random guy I just met that's going crazy because of other random guys I just met.

Does that make any sense?

Probably not.

"Won't the blue haired lady tell us her name?" The blond one enquired, taking a big gulp of the mug of pure alcohol he was holding.

"Nope." I replied, still figuring out a way to get pass them.

"Miss Evans! I see you've met Fili and Kili!" Someone walked pass the hallway and ended up where I was. I know what you're probably thinking. I will go mad. This Madland here is worse than ever.

I turned around to see the grey dude from earlier who was like 20 feet taller than me and now he was smoking his pipe again. I facepalmed. Well, congratulations, Gandy, you just ruined my plan.

"Mr. Gandalf!" The two dudes exclaimed in unison. I guess their names are in fact Fili and Kili. And since Madland is full of weird names, that's pretty accurate.

"Mr. Gandalf!" I exclaimed in a very sarcastic tone, sticking my tongue at him, much for his discontentment. Meh, I'm not here to please him….well that came out wrong.

"I'm sorry for that. Ms. Evans here is really confused." Gandalf explained to Thor and Loki. Really, those dudes look exactly like Thor and Loki. If they're in fact brothers, my mind will be literally blown into pieces.

"Ha, ha, ha." I laughed. Well, better laugh now before I kill myself.

"Fili and Kili, this is Victoria Evans. Ms. Evans, these are the brothers Fili and Kili from the house of Durin." Gandalf finally introduced us before stuff got so awkward that it got out of control.

MY MIND IS BLOWN. Thor and Loki then exclaimed in unison,

"At your service!" Really, they have some amazing sync.

"You're weird." I said, taking one of the mugs from Loki's hands.

"You're not normal either." Thor observed, as his gaze followed Gandalf as he was backing away slowly. I guess those people are waaaay weirder than I thought.

I shook the mug a little to make the brownish liquid move. Then I smelled it suspiciously. I swear the smell was horrible. "What is wrong with this shitty drink?"

"This is ale, Ms. Sailor's Mouth!" Loki explained, shaking his head in disapproval. However, he did not take his eyes from my blouse. Wait, my blouse doesn't show my boobs or anything…what the hell?

"Well, excuuuuuse me princess, I'm not an alcoholic to know about this stuff, unlike you two, who are obviously experts on the matter." I snapped, handing Loki the mug back.

"I see. That's why ladies shouldn't go drinking this man's drink, it will make them sick, right?" Thor joined in. I hate sexist people.

"Heeeey! I can drink this, you sexist! Where's gender equality, eh?" I snapped, almost spilling my 'ale' into Thor's hair.

"Do you think you can handle it, strange speaking hobbit lass with strange looking clothes?" Loki laughed, still not believing in my drinking abilities. I violently took one of the mugs back from Loki.

"Of course! I'll drink every single drop of it!" I replied, looking suspiciously at the mug of ale. I'm not sure if I can handle this….Well… I guess I make pretty poor life choices.

"What are you waiting for, Victoria?" Thor asked, laughing along with his brother.

"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME VICTORIA!" I replied angrily. I'm doing this right now. I turned the mug inside my mouth. I filled my mouth with the drink and struggled to swallow it. The ale went down my throat like fire. Not pleasing at all.

"Congratulations, just two thirds of ale left for you to drink, Victoria." Loki observed, still smiling at my red face. I'm not blushing, I'm red in anger.

"You'll make me drink everything? Really?" I asked. Well, now I was starting to feel the effects of too much alcohol swallowed at once.

"You said you would." Thor added. Oh crap. I really make bad life choices. Damn you, Madland. If Father finds out I'm drinking 'ale' with dudes I just met, my head will roll twice.

"Fine, I'll drink it, but let me go find some food." I said, as I held the mug in one hand and used the other one to push the brothers aside. Hell, why didn't I think of that before getting into this mad little game of drinking?

Ugh. I decided to put my stupidly heavy backpack on top of a casket I found to be pretty safe. I can't go back home without my Calculus book, can I? Just for precaution, I took my phone out of the bag and started to put it inside my skinny jeans while I held the mug of 'ale' in the other hand. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to put a phone on a skinny jean's pocket?

Anyway, I walked into what appeared to be the main hall leading 'the place where people in Madland store food' to the dining room. And there were 'dwarves' everywhere grabbing into everything they saw.

"Excuse me, that's my chicken!" The cute fellow changed his clothes and was now wearing a pair of suspenders. He's just too cute for me to put into words. What was his name….Bill? Nah. Brian? Brendon? Bruno? Breno? BILBO! That's it! The only name I cared enough to remember. "That's my wine, excuse me!"

The only thing he missed in this phrase was a 'princess'. He was quite furious with the Cruella dude, and they started to argue.

" #$% ¨%¨*$ $# #%!" Cruella dude exclaimed, pointing to the ax in his head but still holding tightly to the container which I suppose contained wine.

Really, Tori, you're quite stupid sometimes.

"He's got an injury." The dude with the earhorn I met earlier and whose name I don't care about explained. Riiiiiight, because everyone just needs to interrupt other's conversation to point out random shit. Okay.

"You mean the ax in his head?" Bilbo questioned, raising an eyebrow. I thought that that was the perfect time to toss the rest of the ale into a nearby plant vase. Mission accomplished and no sign of Loki or Thor. Great.

"Dead? No! Just between his ears, his legs work fine." Ear horn dude explained, walking away from Bilbo.

"Those are my plates! Excuse me! Not my wine! Put that back! Put that back! Not the jam, please! Excuse me." Bilbo was going crazy, but I guess I can't blame him too much. I'm getting crazy as well and I'm just lingering in the background! Then I saw the fat ginger doughnut guy walking out of the pantry with a stack of wheel shaped cheese. "Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?"

"Cheese knife? He eats it by the block." The flappy hat dude observed as he walked past Bilbo.

Then, I was hit in the head by a chair.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed, letting my empty mug fall down.

"Sorry, lass." The bushy red haired dude apologized as he walked into the hallway. His 'brother?' followed him with another chair in his arms.

"No, no, that's grandpa Mungo's chair! No, I'm sorry, you'll have to take it back please." Bilbo said. I was rubbing the back of my head frenetically. "Take is back…It's antique, not for sitting on!"

"I cannot hear what you're saying, lad!" I think Bilbo hasn't figured out that ear horn dude is deaf yet. I'm not the one who's going to tell him that.

Meanwhile, the other 'dwarves' just kept on bringing the food from the 'place where…..blah blah blah' to the dining room. As I'm a freaking ninja, I managed to steal some stuff here and there while leaning against the wall as I had been doing for some time.

Bilbo was about to explode. But a good thing is that everybody was so busy that they didn't even notice me. Then, for my surprise (and discontentment), Gandalf walked beside me;

"I see you've calmed down a bit."

"I hope that's a good thing." I replied, still pretty mad at stuff. "I hope your purpose with casting a pinpin' spell on my house's elevator to bring me here is not driving me insane."

"Oh no, Ms. Evans. This will be very good for you and our host, Mr. Baggins."

"He's going insane before me. That's not a good sign."

"Both of you need more excitement in your lives, and both of your talents combined will be of much use to this Company."

Talents? For what I recall I'm pretty useless in every aspect of my existence. Unless you count playing Skyrim, because I'm pretty good at Skyrim.

Before I could say anything else, Mr. Silver-fabulous asked as he held up a tea tray.

"Excuse me, can I tempt either of you with a nice cup of chamomile tea?"

"Thanks, dude. I really need to take the alcohol off my blood system." I replied, taking one of the cups from the older guy, who smiled kindly at me.

"Oh, no thank you Dori, a little red wine for me, I think." Gandalf said as he started to spin around counting the 'dwarves'.

I dare you to speak everyone's name three times really fast. From what I got from Gandy's counting, I think there are about eleven 'dwarves' from east Europe with weird names.

Just then, Cruella dude walked up to Gandy and talks to him in that weirdo's language and with body motions. I could have sworn that he would start dancing something from Britney Spears any moment.

"Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short." Gandy said looking slightly troubled.

"He is late, it's all; he traveled north to a meeting of our kin. He will come." One dude I haven't seen before said confidently. He had a pretty badass aura surrounding him. He was pure manliness. But luckily for me (or unluckily, depending on the circumstances), he didn't notice me.

"Mr. Gandalf?" Mr. Silver-fabulous called out gaining the wizards attention. "A little red wine as requested. It's got a fruity bouquet." Whatever you say.

"Ah, cheers." Gandy said then drank the tiny cup of wine, then looks sad when he realizes that it is gone too fast. Ahh, alcoholics.

"Are you sure you don't want any wine, Ms. Tori?" Mr. Silver-fabulous asked.

"No thanks, I've already reached my alcohol quota of the decade." I replied, laughing sweetly just like a normal girl would do to people who are kind to her.

Except that I'm not a normal girl. I'm badass. Tori Evans is badass.

Mr. Silver-fabulous smiled kindly at me before returning to the little party in the dining room and taking a seat.

I won't dare to seat beside those weird dudes and risk getting a piece of meat inside my ear. So, instead of risking having to wear an earhorn, I just kept leaned against a wall observing the mad tea party going on in the dining room.

At least twelve 'dwarves' crowded around a long, narrow table that was overflowing with tons of food of a multitude of variety. The 'dwarves' tossed the food back and forth between each other.

I watched in slight amusement while they ate. Well, they might be weird, but they're funny too. Imagine twelve men eating and tossing food one to the other. But what really made me laugh was when doughnut dude caught a hardboiled egg between his teeth, and spraying yellow yolk over everyone near him with a victorious cry. I was laughing so hard that unluckily for me, EVERYONE started to stare at me with poker faces.

"I'm sorry, my lady, I didn't see you there." A white haired dude apologized. I'm not sure if I've seen him before…probably not, because he looks OLD. Older than earhorn dude and Mr. Silver-fabulous. "I'm Balin, and what's the name of such a pretty hobbit lass?"

Oh, the hobbit talk again. Won't they ever learn?

"That one is Ms. Sailor's Mou-" Loki started to say, but I cut him off.

"Tori Evans!" I said, between my laughing. I must point out that it was involuntary.

"I'm Balin, at your service." Santa Claus cosplay replied. Okay, whatever you say.

"Dwalin, at your service, Ms. Evans." The dude with an badass aura announced.

I'm not going to say that I'm at their service because I'm obviously not.

"Do you want some ale, Ms. Victoria?" Thor asked while he was climbing on top of the table. Unhealthy and extremely disgusting. I'm grateful for eating a bit before this happened.

"The name is Tori… But nah, I'll pass." I replied, slowly backing away. I predict that stuff's gonna get messy.

"Ale on the count of three." They only became quiet when a call for drinking their ale was called out. Now I can imagine what's happening, they're competing to see who's going to drink everything first! What a bunch of children! I swear to you I could hear their throats working fast to consume the entire mug of ale first. Then as cups were slammed down, in the wooden table and what I feared happened.

The dudes started to burp. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I'm lucky to have retreated to the 'place where there was once food. I guess that if I hide in here for some time they will have to eventually go home, and Gandy will have to take me back home as well.

Now that I'm thinking about, what the hell am I doing here in the first place? I should run away from here until I find civilized people!

When I was leaving the dispenser (I'm calling it that now, back off haters), I bumped into someone. Very hard. With my forehead. Goddamnit, today is the definitely not my day.

"I'm terribly sorry!" Bilbo apologized as he looked around the empty dispenser and then back to me.

"It's nothing." I said, rubbing my forehead.

"Ms. Evans, right?" He asked, quite innocently as he stared at my awkward feet. They were just like his. I don't know if that's good or not.

"Yeah. You're Bilbo, yes?" He nodded. "Good, I at least remember one name from all the people I was introduced to today."

"You…didn't travel with them?"

"Nope, I was trying to run from my death and then BAM! I landed here with Gandalf and those weird guys that kept appearing out of nowhere! And my feet are strange! And I'm going mad! And I had alcohol!"

"It's fine, Ms. Evans. You're not the only one who's going insane. You should have seen what those dwarves did with the plumbing!" He laughed sarcastically. But in this case he was laughing instead of bumping his head continuously into the wall. Like I was going to be able to fix anything. Ha, ha.

"Please, call me Tori." I laughed sarcastically just as he did. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you without any corpses falling into your doorstep."

"A pleasure as well, Ms. Tori." He smiled at me, handing his hand for me to shake it.

"Just Tori, please."

"Just Tori will be!" I was going to start lecturing him on how my name is just Tori but something in my face caught his attention before I could talk. And it's not the innumerous amount of freckles I have in my nose and cheeks. Of course, he's going to ask about my blue lock of hair. Wonderful. Before he could open his mouth to say something, I cut him off, hoping I would bring answers to some questions he might be asking himself.

"Yes, a part of my hair is blue. No, you're not insane…yet. Yes, the food is gone. Yes, we should find Gandalf and demand an explanation."

I think Bilbo got really surprised at my fortune telling ability. I'm just that awesome.

"Yes, we should do that." He finally answered, still pretty mesmerized by me and my awesomeness.

I followed him into some halls to end into something like a kitchen. How big is this place where we can't find a 20 feet man? Just then, Bilbo's laser eyes scanned the room until he found Star Man cleaning his mouth with a piece of cloth. I don't know what the hell that was, but it made Bilbo go furious.

"Excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth." He snapped, taking the cloth from Star Man's hands. I prefer not to get involved with anything here, that's why lingering in the background is the best option at the moment.

"But it's full of holes." Flappy hat dude remarked, as Bilbo carefully folded the fabric.

"It's supposed to look like that, its crochet." Bilbo explained quite impatiently to my taste. But who the hell cares about my taste? Yeah, Tori, NO ONE!

"Oh, and a wonderful game it is too." Bofur said with a sly smile. "If you've got the balls for it."

I don't know why but I started to laugh at that. Well, Tori, you always laugh of the stupidest things ever.

"Ms. Tori is having a fun time, isn't she?" Flappy hat dude observed. Nah, I'm not even close to having a fun time.

"Ms. Tori just likes to laugh at other people." Ms. Tori refers to herself in 3rd person. Ms. Tori is indeed a terrible human being, really.

I think I made flappy hat dude to be a bit shocked, but he busted in laughter in the couple of seconds that followed. Ahh, the power of alcohol.

There were other 'dwarves' in the kitchen as well, drinking 'ale' and doing random shit. I was starting to feel (even more) dizzy because of the smell when Gandalf came by just as Bilbo started to complain to himself about the bloody 'dwarves'. Well, I didn't even start to complain about things. But when I do…

"My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?"

"What's the matter?" Bilbo asked sarcastically. "I'm surrounded by dwarves."

"And me." I added, joining in the conversation without anyone inviting me. That's one of my many useless talents.

"Ms. Tori is not a subject of complain, but these bloody dwarves certainly are! We demand an explanation! I demand an explanation, Gandalf!" Bilbo started to head down to the hall once more.

"It's a merry gathering! You'll get used to them." Gandalf explained (?). And what does that have to do with me?

"I don't want to get used to them!" Then Bilbo started to list 101 reasons why he hates his life. Wonderful. "I just don't understand what they're doing in my house!"

"Neither I can understand what I'm doing in his house!" I pointed to Bilbo, trying to gain general attention. Epic fail.

"How can you explain that, Gandalf?" Bilbo snapped angrily.

"Yeah, there's no way you can explain that!" I snapped equally angry.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?" The younger brother of Mr. Silver-fabulous and Star Man asked interrupting Bilbo and mine's arguing with Gandalf and handing Bilbo an empty plate.

"Here Ori, give it to me." Thor said taking it and throwing it to Loki That was when Bilbo started too really panic. Everything was being tossed from 'dwarf' to 'dwarf' as it made its way to the kitchen.

Expecting the worse, I quickly made my way to the dining room where I saw Star Man seating across from Flappy hat dude, holding his silverware upright. They started stamping their feet and clinking their knives against the each other's utensils as did Bushy beard and Mr. Silver-fabulous, their boots thumping against the floor keeping time as they began a steady rhythm of clashing their forks and knives. Oh man, that's not gonna work.

"Can you not do that? You'll blunt them!" Bilbo snapped when he saw what they were doing.

"Blunt them? They'll kill us! Take cover!" I announced, running back to the kitchen where Cruella dude was washing dishes. Finally some gratitude. Cruella dude seems harmless to me.

"Oh, did ya hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives." I think Flappy hat dude was the one who made that observation, unable to hide the laughter in his voice.

Loki and Thor soon started to sing as they started tossing plates, bowls, saucers, any cutlery they could get their hands on. I just watched as stuff started to fly just above my head.

_Blunt the knives, bend the forks_

_Smash the bottles and burn the corks_

Then the rest of them were joining in, stamping their hands and feet. That is not going to work….

I think I just saw Thor grabbing a plate quite epically. However I cannot trust my eyes too much.

_Chip the glasses and crack the plates_

_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates_!

That's not gonna work. Definitely isn't going to work. I'm going to die because of head trauma. Or a knife stuck inside my skull. Great, I'll be just like Cruella dude, but I'll be able only to speak Italian, yay. Wait, that would be a problem if I could actually speak any Italian at all.

_Cut the cloth and tread on the fat_

_Leave the bones on the bedroom mat_

I should really stop going around in circles like an idiot trying to avoid the flying cutlery. Bilbo wasn't any better. I could hear him scream from where he was, at the dining room, I guess. He was frenetically trying to stop the 'dwarves', of course it wasn't effective.

_Pour the milk on the pantry floor_

_Splash the wine on every door_!

"Holy flying cows and cooked apples!" I said as I ducked from a knife being tossed from one side of the room to the kitchen.

"*& # %$# $$# ¨¨%#!" Cruella dude stated, grabbing stuff with perfection without even looking. He just has to have a third eye in the back of his head. He also grabbed my arm and pushed me to under the small table in the center of the room in which we were.

I don't know if he's being a jerk or he's trying to make sure that I won't end up like him. I'll go with the second option.

_Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl_

_Pound them up with a thumping pole_

From what I could see from under the table, almost all of the 'dwarves' were singing and playing some random instruments they just conjured out of the blue. Someway, they still kept the plates in the air with their arms, elbows, and any other way they could manage, keeping time to the beat vibrating the floor.

_When you've finished, if any are whole_

_Send them down the hall to roll!_

_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates_!

Then an avalanche of people started to gather around the table where I was, except that nobody noticed me. Luckily for me I remained unseen, but unluckily for me, I bumped my head several times into the table.

A couple of seconds later I saw what appeared to be Bilbo forcing his way through the mass of 'dwarves' to the pile of destroyed dinnerware. I just need to see his face at that. As I told you before, I'm a terrible human being.

I got out from the table (not before bumping my head again) and I was greeted by piles of clean dishes and laughing 'dwarves' who had found time to start smoking their pipes.

As expected, everyone started to stare at me. "What? I was avoiding head damage!" I started to say, but I stopped when I noticed Bilbo. Hell, his poker face was better than mine! He looked like he didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or having a fit of rage. Better not be a fit of rage, Luigi has it often, and it hits my nerves.

Before I could explode with awkwardness, a series of hard knocks were heard and I felt my bare feet grow cold all of a sudden. Well, it better not be Ice King or Elsa who's at the door.

"He is here." Gandalf said and went to answer the door followed by everyone else. Except for me, because I'm not like sheep following the 20 feet man around. Who is here? The Ice King? King Dodongo? King of Red Lions? I don't care.

Deal with that, Madland.

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><p><strong>Constructive criticism is needed and nice reviews apreciated! Thanks for reading!<strong>

**~ilikecakeandcookies**


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